Skateboarding Assisted Suicide
At first glance, skateboarding seems like an innocent and exciting sport. It takes practice, poise, and panache to make self harm look as good as the pros do. These “pros” I speak of are nothing more than psychotic, slightly suicidal individuals that enjoy bodily harm. They disguise these feelings, along with self-mutilation in the inner workings of this torturous sport.
The first step to skateboarding is such a horribly painful affair that any level headed, sane individual would quickly avert their goals to a safer activity, such as bare-handed shark fishing. Allow me to explain; the first step is to stand atop this death trap on wheels. You could choose one of two approaches to do so. The first step is to place one foot at the end of the board, which seems to ignite a jet engine, causing the board to fly out from under you. As soon as you regain consciousness, you’ll notice an entire group of children, whom must have spawned seconds before you broke you ass, laughing hysterically at your failed attempt to tame the 4-wheeled beast. While your bum is still numb, you may be interested in trying the second approach to man handling this demon spawn, which consist of jumping in the air with the insane objective of landing on the board with both feet as the same time. Yeah, as if that is going to work.
After a few hundred more attempts, a truck load of band-aids, and a deal with the devil regarding your first born son, you are finally standing on the board. The next step goes against every sane cell in your body. While your legs are still trembling from a lack of blood, you must now remove one foot, place it on the ground and thrust yourself forward. Good try, now scrape your face off the concrete and start over.
Now that you have the forward moment maneuver mastered, you are ready for the real stuff. I hope you’ve read up on your physics, because now you must defy the laws of it. Let’s try our first trick. The Ollie, or as I like to call it, the Ouch-That-Hurts fall (which covers just about any trick), is the first trick to learn. You are expected the jump into the air and have the skateboard stick to your feet the entire time, then land back on the ground, on wheels mind you, without the use of Duct Tape. Trust me, strapping your feet to the board is not the brightest idea in the world. Think of it as bolting a live grenade to your mouth and pulling the pin… except a bit more deadly, which brings us to the next step… At this point, in order to learn to do such a thing, you must shell out quite a bit of doe, witchcraft lessons aren’t exactly cheap these days. But once you are armed with your anti-gravity spells, you can now successfully perform an Ollie, the essential tool for skateboard assisted suicide.
If you haven’t purchased your plane tickets to the coast to swim with the sharks yet (I suggest booking your plane ticket and hotel together online, it’ll save you quire a bit of money), then you’re in it for the long run. You’ve beat the death trap, you’ve defied the laws of physics, you’ve raised the stock price of band-aids; you are now a skater. From here there are many fun, exciting, and just plain stupid ways to injure yourself. You can choose from jumping off large ramps, dropping into a 90 degree half-pipe only to be propelled back up the other side hundreds of feet in the air, or my personal favorite…The Death Loop. This crazy contraption allows you to gain ridiculous downhill speeds, it then directs you to a 360 degree loopy-loop, just as you have done to your hot-wheels as a child. It’s now your turn to experience the Zero Gravity fun as you spiral out of control during any point of the 360 degree suicide.
If you have not yet killed yourself during any of the tricks and stunts I have mentioned, it’s up to you to find new ways to do so. Originality is what drives this deadly sport to such an extreme. If you do something never before done, you’ve set the par for new skaters to come.